That Whole Body Image Thing

I weighed myself today. I am 2lbs short of the weight I was at 9 months pregnant with all three of my kids. You may think that I wanted to shot put my scale out of my bathroom window, but I didn’t. Instead I turned and looked in the mirror and smiled at myself.

When I was a teenager I was athletic because I figure skated. At 5’5″, I was always about a size 6-8. When I was 24, I starved myself down to 115lbs and a size 4. After I had my three kids I was back up to a healthy size 8.¬†When my youngest child was about 1 year old, my fibromyalgia was at it’s very worst and I needed to start taking medications to manage it. Within two months I gained 10lbs and over the following years I gained a total of 50lbs.

Then I got divorced.

All of a sudden my body image became rather important. I began dating and wanted to look attractive. Last fall I lost about 20lbs by changing my eating habits and my subsequent drug abuse, if anything, suppressed my appetite. After getting clean, I gained that 20lbs right back. And now here I am, with a new love in my life and very much in need of facing that demon of self-loathing that is the pressure to be thin.

Recently I’ve been fascinated with the whole pinup trend. I discovered several modern-day pinups and other inspirational ladies on instagram, who are fuller figured like myself and are ravishingly beautiful. It helps to see someone else who is like you and who is basically a sex symbol. I got over my silly idea that only thin is sexy very quickly.

So here’s to you Miss_Amy_May, curve_model, msmthomas,
curvecreation and misssavvysf for inspiring me to be happy with the body I have rather than wishing for something else. Nothing is sexier than confidence after all.

Now that I am in a more emotionally healthy phase of life, my fibromyalgia has calmed down considerably and I am in the process of weaning myself off my medications. I may end up losing some of the extra weight as a result, but even if I don’t, I will be happy with how I look. Now my energy can be focused on what is important: caring for myself by getting good nutrition, exercise and rest.

This is why I look at my reflection, chubby though it may be, and I smile. Either way, I win because my worth is not based on how light I am or the size of my thigh gap (oh who am I kidding; I don’t have a thigh gap). My beauty is not limited to a dress size. I am thrilled to be me, just as I am. It’s the only me there is, after all. And I love her.